⋆˚꩜｡𐔌՞. .՞𐦯⋆. 𐙚 ˚ Today I have two appts, one with my therapist and another with a physiatrist (maybe?? idk he rescheduled for earlier today but the zoom appt still says 1:30 so idk…), it’ll literally be back to back appts cause my since I wasn’t thinking when I made the appt and scheduled it right after my therapists appt.

But I’m hopeful.

I wanted to write down before my therapy appt (literally in a few minutes) what happened between me and my friend to cause her to cut contact. (from my knowledge/pov.).

Her (friend1), another one of our friends (friend1) (also cut contact) and me got in an argument about something that spiked my paranoia to the max. I don’t feel great about it, but it happened.

Anyway I don’t remember something that (now both of them say) I said. Genuinely no memory of the conversation, I didn’t trust what the friend2, when they said it happened due to some pas stuff, but neither did friend1 and since that was the case I just felt like I was being lied to, and manipulated.

Anyway, about a week after this whole blow up, friend1 (after a short break of contact) reached out to me with a long ass text that explained why she couldn’t keep contact with me.

In it she explained that what happened with friend2 actually did go down and it was stuff she didn’t know about (which I don’t blame her for of course, that’s not her thing to remember)

After a few other words she explained to me that we could no longer keep contact cause she felt it wouldn’t be right for her and her path in life.

There is a part of me that understand this. but once again i just feel abandoned, like I can’t go on. I feel empty, and lost, i just keep going from discord server to discord server trying to find some semblance of connection…

So it is no 1:56 am on monday, but I had both my appts, and cried in the one with my therapist… which felt good, but also I hate crying in front of people so also felt weird and awful.

My psychiatrist appointment also went well. He officially diagnosed me with BPD. I wanted to know, but now I’m like… cool… kinda not knowing how I actually feel about it.

He’s starting me on a higher anxiety medication dosage. And I’m suppose to track if it helps, he also wanted me msg him if I noticed anything get worse cause then we can adjust.

He’s pretty nice. A little cold but my autistic brain likes that he’s just upfront, no fluff and explains things.

I also went out with my friend, we’ll call her B. We just went out for dinner and went to walmart but it was fun being out, being able to talk, and just spend time with someone.

Back to work in the morning, not sure how I feel, but I really don’t wanna quite this job, its good, my boss is good, my coworkers are shit, but could be worse. Anyway. I’m gonna watch a bunch of YouTube and probably not sleep.

Things I should probably do tomorrow:
☁️ Take a shower
☁️ Actually eat breakfast
☁️ Also bring lunch to work (please stop accidently starving yourself)
☁️ Survive the day Q.Q (its enough)